Naught's Approach
by RokuAku813
Summary: It wasn't love but lately he wishes it had been. At least then, this would make sense. Roxel.


**A/N: **I figured I wouldn't write another fic for a while after I posted my first one, but then I did anyway. I'm at a standstill with my novel so it's not surprising. Anyway, I have nothing to say about this one except _wtf am I thinking. _Yes, it's Roxel again, and this one is also dedicated to Zheyne because Larxene makes a cameo and I never liked Larxene until I read Zheyne's fics. Now, it's not Roxene, but Larxene _does _have a part.

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to Square Enix/Disney.

**NAUGHT'S APPROACH**

* * *

Number Eight. The Flurry of Dancing Flames. _Axel._

You didn't love him.

You wish you had, though. You wish your little half-heart had belonged to him. You wish all those times he begged you to fill him and kiss him your motivation had been the same. You wish you could have said he was _your _reason. But he wasn't, and no amount of wishing could make that come true.

You remember that one time, when he asked you to fight him, and then he just stood there and took your first hit. You were confused, and when you asked him why, he just gave you that mysterious (idiotic) smirk and said you made him feel.

You laughed then. You told him he was annoying. And you told him physical feeling didn't count. Then he kissed you for the first time, took you to bed for the first time, showed you how to fuck someone (you told him that term was crude and refused to use it, until he told you the alternative, and making love was something you could never do so you let it go) for the first time.

You told him he was stupid for not wanting to take a potion because he wanted to savor the ache in his back until it wore off, and when he asked you if you still thought physical feeling didn't count, you said yes. Because it really didn't count.

Then of course, you remember the second time you fought. He danced circles around you, taunting you. You took it. You took it because you were memorizing his pattern instead of his words and the look on his face was priceless when you casually threw Oathkeeper and Oblivion, one right after the other, and pinned him to the wall by the sleeves of his cloak. You took advantage of his helpless position, using it to stand on tiptoe and press your lips to his neck, bite at his exposed collarbones, and run your tongue just beneath his Adam's apple. And then, of course, you left him there for someone else to find. He cornered you in your room and the sex was great, as always.

Back then you didn't realize he kept coming to you because he had this idea in his head that you made him _feel. _Not pain, not pleasure, but _emotion. _You thought it was a mutual agreement to physically please each other and expand your horizons (it wasn't like he, at sixteen, had been much more experienced than you – but he had the advantage of remembering sex ed and remembering walking in on his brother and said brother's boyfriend). If you had known, you thought you might have cut it short.

You remember that night, when he came into your room and watched you pretend to sleep. You kept pretending because you wanted to see what he'd do. But all he did was watch you until the castle alarm went off and every member of the Organization had to get up. It was perplexing, but you decided it was best forgotten, because just like he didn't want to admit he'd watched you…you didn't want to admit you'd let him.

You remember a time, before you were sexual with each other, when Larxene talked to you about him. She told you he was worthless, that it wasn't like _he _could protect you on difficult missions and perilous situations. She laughed when you said you could take care of yourself, so you _showed _her, soundly beating her into the ground with a rare smile on your face. Then you told her you _knew _he was _useless, _but not any more worthless than _she _was, because everyone was worthless. Then you rubbed salt on the wound by casually telling her it wasn't nice to gossip just because someone wouldn't respond to advances. But that made her respect you, and Axel acted irritated sometimes because he found you sparring. And after she stopped existing, he caught you that time you tried to read her books, but you never finished because they were horrendously sexual. You weren't interested in reading about it, mostly because you didn't understand (back then) why anyone would want to do it.

You wish you could remember the exact place you bit all the time to make him unable to retaliate. You wish you could remember exactly how sexual his whispers sounded. You wish you could remember the feel of his lips.

But you don't.

You _do _remember when he told you he loved you for the first time. You laughed at him. You told him to pick a better subject to joke about, because if you didn't know better, you'd think he was trying to tell the truth. He laughed, too, and said you were too smart for your own good. You didn't realize the guarded look in his eyes wasn't faked.

It was a month before you got your first dream, and when you told him about it he looked away and said it was unlucky you were remembering. You assumed it was because you would eventually remember the way you lost your heart. But this is one of the things you remember vividly, because it wasn't long before you realized he meant it was unlucky because you would figure out Sora was still alive and want to leave for answers.

You remember the second time he said he loved you. You didn't believe him, because only Somebodies could love. You told him so. Instead of laughing it off again, he gave you an irritated sigh and said he was surprised you _actually _believed that. You glared at him – and told him you _knew _it was true, because all Nobodies had memories of how to feel and he was probably just now remembering something he forgot. You said you didn't remember what feeling was like and didn't feel anything, _so there, that's proof._

You remember how you carefully pretended you didn't notice the way his face fell.

You think it's funny, the reason you parted ways. You were actually planning to invite him to come with you. It wasn't on your to-do list to become part of Sora; if anything, you wanted to steal his heart. You knew it was next to impossible, but you wanted to try it because you were an anomaly anyway, and if anyone could do it, you could. It wasn't an arrogant sentiment; you and Sora were connected and that was more than anyone else could say. You wanted Axel around, to be there when you got your answers and your heart. You entertained the idea of trying to share it with him, because once he got a heart he could understand that he wasn't in love with you.

But he ruined everything for you both. The night before you left, he straddled you and did all the work. It seemed like he tried his hardest to fuse your bodies together, to take you so far inside him you'd never be able to get out. He bit your collarbones as hard as you liked and caressed your face as he kissed you. And then he whispered, over and over and over, _I love you I love you I love you. _You said it back, because you didn't want his last memory of you to be a cold one. But when he said those three forbidden words, during _sex, _you knew you couldn't ask him to come with you. He might be able to convince you of the 'truth' of his words and that just wasn't possible. You didn't want him to keep deluding himself and you _definitely _didn't want to get sucked in.

You remember the way you dressed quickly and silently, leaving him sleeping on your bed. You pulled the blanket up higher over him, and left a kiss on his forehead. It was your mistake, and illogical besides; but at least, you thought, it would be behind you in a few moments.

You _weren't _expecting him to be waiting for you. You remember thinking you should be surprised, because you left him undressed and asleep, but you'd feigned sleep for him several times; he could have done the same.

You remember him asking if your mind was made up. You didn't bother to ask how he knew you'd wanted to leave in the first place; you just gave him a half-assed excuse. Why _did _the Keyblade choose you? Yes, you wanted to know. But you couldn't tell him you planned to try to steal Sora's heart; it would take too long to explain your theory and once you did, he'd want to come with you. The point of leaving him _behind _was to prove to him that he didn't love you, didn't _need _you, and could let you go.

He gave you an excuse in return, told you that the Organization would destroy you. It wasn't true. The Organization would be angry, but they wouldn't try to destroy you right away. Xemnas had use for you still. You knew what he meant was that being in the Organization without you would destroy _him. _But you knew that was a lie too. So you told him no one would miss you; _that _was the truth, and once he realized that, he would come after you and laugh about how stupid he'd been. By then, you would have found Sora, and you remember thinking it would be nice to share Sora's heart with him _anyway. _It would be like that time you shared sea-salt ice cream because the store only had one left. Nice, and fun because that time you fought over who got the last bite and accidentally dropped it on someone's head. You could fight over who got what part. You didn't know anything about hearts back then, obviously. You were incredibly naïve.

You remember being something like angry at that silver-haired moron with the blindfold, when you realized he had a way to cheat you. You realized he refused to observe common courtesy during battle – there was a reason you'd bonded with the Samurai, and it wasn't because you thought they were _pretty; _you generally liked to observe the rules of conduct_ – _and when you could barely hear him talking to someone else about changing your personality, you wished you could move and rid the world of such bastards.

You remember not being you, for a while, and you don't want to remember because that is ridiculously embarrassing. You wish you could erase that memory like Naminé erased them all, while you were being programmed. You wish you could erase her memories, erase Riku's memories, and see how _they _like it. But you can't.

You remember fighting your former partner, wishing he would shut up and stop thinking he was hurt so you could explain to him why you couldn't come back with him. You didn't _want _to become part of Sora; but you couldn't get out. You couldn't go against the code of the program. You wanted to let him help you get out, but you couldn't. And he wouldn't listen. So you had to make him run out of energy, so he would _stop. _You went easy on him, so he would know you didn't really want to hurt him, but of course he had to ruin _that, _too. He said he'd see you in your next life. And he threw your words back in your face when he told you he didn't have a life after being a Nobody.

You remember deciding to be spiteful and not bother to dispute that.

Then you remember being nothing. You were part of the best something anyone could find, but you were nothing. You _are _nothing. You weren't this much of nothing when you were nothing walking around in your own body. You can't make sense of it, but it's just something you _know._

And now, you're sitting next to him. You're telling him you're going back to the way you were – you're going back to being nothing inside something. You're spouting nonsense because you're confused. You don't understand why you think it would be better to be nothing inside something than nothing without him. You're not going to _tell _him, because you know he never gave up on his 'love' for you, and it's making you crazy. You keep wondering if maybe wanting to share Sora's heart with him was any better than pretending he was in love with you. And you don't want to look at him, because you think you might start telling him your other plans. You don't want your last memory of him to be another confession. It's too late now for you to accept it.

So, you'll _see him. _No, you won't. You won't see him, because he doesn't exist any more. You don't either, but you're nothing inside something. He's nothing inside nothing, and he can't ever change that, even if somehow within the next few days Xemnas figures out how to use Kingdom Hearts for its original purpose. You won't see him.

At least…not while Sora lives. Maybe you can hurry things along.

_Why _did he pick Sora? You know the reason, but you want to hear it from Sora's lips. You want him to tell you to your face. You want him to tell you if you loved him after all, because he's the one with a heart. He's the one who has the answers.

Heh. Never mind. It was stupid of you to trust _Sora _to understand what you wanted.

But he's a good, obedient Other; always believing what his 'friends' tell him; and he'll probably get himself killed soon. You can wait. You can sit back and watch as he gets ridiculed by your former associates. You can pretend you're okay, that you hold no hard feelings toward him. And when he finally dies…you'll be free.

And Axel will be waiting.


End file.
